Ancient Female Drivers

I've decided that old (60 years or older) female asian drivers are absolutely the worst drivers ever.

However, in order to come to this conclusion I had to not only observe these drivers....but also become one. So, while I was a 70 year-old female driver from Beijing, I drove around a suburban area. Here were my thoughts:

"What a nice day! Well, I guess I should go for a drive to the local park and stare at nothing for a few hours. (I walk to my car and get inside) Oops, I forgot my keys...now where did I last put them? OH! That's right! (I go back inside my house and grab my keys out of the microwave, then return to my car) Okay.....was it press gas first or turn key. Hmmm.........let me try both at the same time! Oooh, that didn't sound good. Alright, time to back up.

Now, do I want "D" or "R".....hmm....I'm pretty sure that "D" stands for "driveway" and "R" stands for "road." I'm still in the driveway....so I guess I need to be in "D." Okay, I'm in "D"....but I'm not going anywhere. Oh, wait I have to press the pedal harder, maybe? Hmm...nothing's happening. Maybe I'll trying pressing the pedal on the right. OOPS! I'll have to get my 80 lb husband to fix the garage door when he gets home from the shoe factory. Hmm, I guess I'll have to switch it into "R." Ahh, there we go! And I think I press the right pedeal. WEEE! This Lexus has quite a lot of power.

Alrighty then, now I'm in the street...I think. I can't really see over the steering wheel. Maybe if I stand up, I could see the road. That's better! Okay, now I'm on my way. This is boring, I need some music. Oooh, I haven't tried out the XM radio yet. What's this channel? Electronica, sounds new....and I guess new is cool, and I definitely wanna be cool. Eh, I can't hear it...wait, maybe if I turn this...."KATHUMP!" Oops, must have gone over one of those pot holes. What's this red liquid on my windshield....eh, must be my toenail polish. Which reminds me, when do I have to be at work tomorrow?

No matter, now where was I? Oh yes, the driveway. Now, I should be in "D" for driveway, right? Oh wait, I'm on the road. "BANG!" Oops, probably another pothole...although, what is that finger sticking out the front of my hood? Maybe I should paint its nail. Wait, I'm not at work today. OOH, yess, I remember now, I'm on the road. Okay, I have to make a right turn up here, I think. Hmm, that sign said "No Turn On Red." Well, I can't even see a light, so I guess it would be okay to go. "HONK! CRAASH!" Too bad for those people....if they were more cautious, they wouldn't have had that accident.

Oops, I fell off the seat! "AAAAAAAH!" Oh, what was that?! Hmm, living in California, probably some movie being filmed. Anywho, what's that guy waving at me for? "HEY LADY! TAKE OFF YOUR PARKING BRAKE!" My parking brake?...."IT'S OKAY, I'M NOT AT THE PARK YET! THANKS ANYWAY!" Ahh, there's the park. "SPLASH!" Oops, why do they put the parking lot and the lake so close to each other. Okay, well time to get out and enjoy the day. Wait, where's the park? And why is my Lexus in my neighbor's inground pool? Such a crazy car!"

It was an eye-opening experience. I hope that none of you ever have to be an old female asian driver.

Adam Santini