Mista Stadium vs. Miss Coffee

Many people have severe fears. Claustrophobia: the fear of being confined in tight spaces. Acrophobia: the fear of heights. Suriphobia: the fear of mice. I happened to participate in an event that forced me to stand off against my worst fear.

It happened during my senior year at Binghamton University. The night before this incident had been a crazy one. A little drinking, a little arguing, a little chaos, a little of everything. A real good time. I had come home for the night, slightly inebriated, and performed my post-outing routine. This including turning on some latin music, eating a large bowl of fruity pebbles, drawing the venetian blinds, and chatting on AIM. Soon, I moved from my bedroom onto a couch and passed out.

I awoke in a cold sweat, I felt as though something was very wrong. Looked at the time….only 5 am. I looked around the apartment and found nothing out of the ordinary. I decided to spend the rest of my sleep in the comfort of my room. Throughout the duration of the early morning, I was continually awakened with chills and goosebumps. I though I might be sick, however my throat was not sore and I didn’t feel physically weak. Exhaustion finally dominated and I was fast asleep.

I woke up, allowing ample time for my vision to adjust to the light of day. I gazed at my clock reading 10:30 am. “Plenty of sleep”, I thought to myself. I left the comfort of the bed to use the bathroom. Afterwards, while preparing a bagel with fresh vegetable cream cheese and hot sauce, I felt the same chills and goosebumps from earlier in the morning. After consuming the delicious breakfast, I realized how uneasy I was feeling and decided to sit down and watch a few episodes of spongebob. I left the living room tv for a little more music and AIM.

I inquired a few of my friends as to their activities the night before. The normal: “what did you do? where did you go? how much did you drink? did you get laid? where’s my car?” However, I was starting to feel my uneasiness climaxing. I began sweating and my goosebumps had risen to the maximum height without looking like inch worms. “What is happening to me?”, I pondered. I quickly realized that there was a lack of sunlight entering my room. As I rose up the blinds, my severe phobia attacked me like a buffalo defending its calves. Arachnophobia was in full swing.

With an abdomen the size of a dime, legs at least 1 ½ inches long, and hair covering its entire body, this spider appeared to be living at this residence for at least a year. However, it could not have been, since I had never seen the spider or the web until that day. The web had covered my entire window, which is to say the web was basically a perfect circle with a diameter of no less than 4 feet. She just sat there. I say ‘she’ since no man would have the patience enough to wait an entire night just to see me recoil in fear. This beast was behind a pane of glass and a wire mesh. I sighed, in a realization of safety. I was calm for the moment.

I grabbed my cell phone’s camera and took a picture. Although it did not come out as well as I had hoped, I sent it to as many people as possible. Most agreed with me when I said that it was probably waiting to battle me for control of my bedroom. I toyed with it by tapping on the glass and watching it fly across the web. I even opened the pane of glass and stuck a small nail through one of the holes in the wire mesh and played on the web. But, she just sat there waiting for me to come around the other side of the window and try the same thing. I watched as a spider 1/20th her size attempted to cross this beautiful web. In her cannibalistic ways, Coffee (that’s what I decided to name her) instantly crossed the web in less than a second and grasped the smaller arachnid in her feeders (little arms that aid food intake). Coffee bit 4 legs off immediately, immobilizing the helpless being. She took her pleasant time (approximately 3 minutes) cocooning the little spider, saving it for a later date. Coffee had more important things to deal with; Me. I decided to go outside and get a better picture of this brutal creature. At this time, the real square-off begins.

The weather outside was 74 degrees and partly cloudy. It seemed like a perfect day to be outside. I carefully walked up to the window, now realizing that she was on the other side of the web. To me, this seemed the best time to get a photo of this monster from this side of the window (outside the safety zone). Although this picture was far worse than the first, going outside allowed me to observe Coffee’s behavior. Let me first say something about a spider’s silk.

The silk is made up of chains of amino acids. Simply put, it is a protein. Spider silk is VERY STRONG. It is about five times stronger than steel and twice as strong as Kevlar of the same weight. Spider silk also has the ability to stretch about 40 percent longer than its original length without breaking, making it extremely resilient. In other words, a spider’s silk is simply one of the strongest materials on this planet. What did Coffee do? She tore a hole through her own web and moved herself to the other side…..my side. I quickly returned to the interior of the apartment.

While uploading the picture onto the internet, I watched Coffee return to the side of the web facing my room. I sent the link to the digital image to my friends (who were not as impressed). I felt sweaty and gross and jumped into the shower. In the warmth of the bathroom, I was contemplating what actions I should take with this new acquaintance. I tried remembering the cliché words my mother once said to me: “it is more scared of you than you are of it.” Not possible; this fearless beast made rise the hairs on my neck. I chose to employ an optimistic view on the situation and decided to simply remove the web using a long stick fallen from a nearby tree.

I put on jeans, a light shirt, and sandals. I went outside and grabbed the longest and heaviest stick I could find. Approaching Coffee, I realized that she might be killed in the quick swipe of my stick. However, this was something I was going to have to do in order to feel safe. If I walked home everyday and saw Coffee outside my window, it would be like walking into her territory. NO! This was my territory, and it was too small for both of us to occupy. I was no more than 5 feet away and she had shifted herself onto my side of the web. She drew her legs inward in anticipation of the attack. I watched as Coffee moved her two hind legs outward from her body. What was this?! In all the spiders I had ever come across, I had never seen this. A moment later, Coffee leapt from her web.Never, in all my nightmares had I ever envisioned being attacked by a jumping spider. I always asked myself: “what is worse than a spider crawling after you?” Now I knew. Such an intelligent and powerful spider was this one that she was able to calculate the amount of energy needed to reach me, 5 feet away. It was almost as though Coffee had the mystical power to slow time; in her flight I thought: “how could this be?! Jumping spiders only exist in jungles and horribly edited movies.” Coffee obviously also had the power to control wind. As I tried moving my body out of her trajectory, the wind picked up and shifted her flight path directly at me. Soon, the spider would be on me and I knew exactly where it was landing.

Ask any arachniphobe and they will tell you that scariest place for a spider to be is near or in the vicinity of the eye. Coffee chose the perfect place to put me in a state of shock. She landed directly on my left cheek. This is sometimes even worse than landing smack dab on the eye. My mind raced to think of what to do. You cannot smash it, obviously. Who wants spider guts all over their face? I was definitely not going to try the professional “abdomen-grab” technique, especially if I had other options. I never want to touch a spider for more than a few fractions of a second. You can try flicking it off. But, what if it goes upward and grabs onto your eyebrow…or even worse….eyelash?! Flicking was out of the question. I had a stroke of genius. I would use my left hand and angle it like a wedge to basically brush it off. And so I did.

My head was on a swivel looking frantically for Coffee. Where could she have gone?! I did not even see her fly in the air. What’s this?! I turned my hand over and gawked in horror. Coffee was hanging on by 2 legs and was quickly raising the others. Before I could shake her off, she raised her tiny fangs in the air and bit into the obviously delicious flesh of my left thumb. I shook my hand violently attempting to throw her off. I started walking backwards to see if she was by my feet. I suddenly tripped over a curb and landed my tail bone on a tree root. I raised my head to search for Coffee. No where on the pavement. Where did this Houdini go?! I looked down at my jeans and to my frightening realization; Coffee was crawling up my jeans towards my face! She wanted blood and she wanted it immediately!

My mind struggled to think of a new defense. I could flick her off. However, what about my sandals?! My feet were almost completely exposed. Flicking, again, was out of the question. I already used the wedge hand. Did Coffee know this? How intelligent was this spider? I felt as though she had some degree of higher intellect than the normal Binghamton Spider. She knew I had already used the wedge. She might be preparing for another attack of that sort. But, maybe she was mega smart. Maybe she knew that I knew that she remembered the wedge and thought that I would try a different attack. But, what if she was ultra smart, and thought that I’d try the wedge because I thought she was preparing for another type of attack. It was becoming quite complicated. And more importantly, time was running out. Coffee was crawling full speed at my head.

Forced to think quickly, I used my right hand to flutter my shirt in combination with using my left hand as the wedge. I was sure that I got her this time. But, it seemed that fate had another plan in mind. Coffee, again, was hanging onto the bottom of my shirt. It seemed that no amateur spider removal techniques were going to work on this beast. I decided this would be the time to utilize the “abdomen-grab” method. Beads of sweat ran down my face as I grabbed Coffee’s hairy abdomen. I picked her up off my shirt with my left hand as her legs held on tight, stretching the shirt. Her grip was finally lost! “I’ve done it!”, I thought. However, in mid-celebration, Coffee curled her thorax inward along with her legs and grabbed onto the bottom of my thumb! Coffee went for a direct bite attack no more than an inch from the last bite. One thing you must understand is that there is no “three strikes, you’re out” thing with spider bites. The two strike rule is in effect. My left thumb, the most important digit on my left hand, was now bitten into uselessness. Advantage, Coffee.

Realizing that I must end this epic battle right now, or face a certain cocoon-encased death, I assessed the situation carefully. I used my right fingers and flicked Coffee into the opposite direction from her web. I jumped in victory as I watched her poor body soar through the air like a loosely knit rag doll. Feeling immortal, I ran over to the window and quickly used my hand to swipe away Coffee’s entire web. Remembering I had an appointment to make (playing drums with some guys), I began loading up my car with equipment…watching the ground for any sign of Coffee. I felt proud, fearless, and basically content with myself.

A few hours later, when I returned from my drumming, I did not even look at the window as I walked into my apartment. After unloading the car, I went back into my room. I immediately noticed there was a newly spun web across my window. At first, I felt nervous and scared. Yet, I knew there was nothing to worry about. I had just won the battle. Whoever this spider was, they must have heard the story of our epic encounter. I tried to locate the spider, but it was no where in sight. I then looked up, and hiding in the small window overhang was a spider with similar dimensions to Coffee. In fact, the web looked almost identical to Coffee’s. Upon closer examination, I realized that the spider was Coffee.

Light brown, hairy, huge sexy legs and the dime-sized abdomen. It was definitely her. I considered commencing another skirmish, but I saw the feeling of defeat in Coffee’s eyes. She knew who had won. She was hoping we could possibly join forces and rule over the Binghamton area. I spoke in my human tongue to Coffee: “Binghamton is for us all. There cannot and will not be a king and queen. You may stay outside my window on the grounds that you destroy any malignant entity attempting to enter my humble dwelling.” Coffee came out from under the window’s overhang and sat on her web facing away from me. We seemed to have a mutual agreement that she would guard my room until weather was too cold, at which point she would move south and tell all spiders about our grand struggle. Whenever a Santini of my blood comes into contact with any spider relative of Coffee’s, they will be protected. A union of spider and man has been made. This story must never be forgotten.

The End

-Santini